Flakers + Ratings

"Flakers" are people who sign up for a swap and don't send their end of the bargain. 

Often, these people don't reply to messages. IF you leave a poor rating, they MIGHT respond to it- but only because of public image. They rely on others agreeing that it was Just a Mistake!1! and to feel bad for the flaker when the Mean, Bad Swapper left a Negative Rating for them. ... oy. 

Have you ever seen that tactic? It has a name.

Image: DARVO statement examples
from Ray Family Therapy

That example is a form of DARVO, and it's super-common.

“DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims.” - Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder of Bay Area CBT Center and CBTonline.

Most people think of DARVO in context of abusive domestic relationships. Thing is, this social tactic is only practiced IN those relationships because the perpetrator has gotten comfortable using it with everything else. Often, the perpetrator isn't even aware that this is a form of abuse... It's probably even normal for them to experience from someone else! But 'normal' is not the same as 'healthy.' DARVO is normal, and normalized. And when it's small, like a stupid envelope of paper, it doesn't really matter right?

But it does. It does when you are the one leaving the honest negative rating for a swap that factually never arrived, on a swapper that you factually DID message, and factually never got back a response. It does when you're essentially getting bullied or silenced because you don't want to look like the Bad Guy when in actuality, they're the Bad Guy. Backing down lets bad people escape consequences.

Most people do the things they do, both positive and negative, because it has worked in their favour before. Whatever their personal values equate as "favourable" to themselves, a thing that works should keep working. Behaviour isn't random, even if it LOOKS like it on the outside. Learning this will help you with every single person you ever meet- it isn't just for a stupid mail site!

DARVO tactics are a demonstrable public ability to twist things around on strangers, to the approval of other strangers. And if those strangers "approve," it's not REALLY a Bad Thing, is it? And if the victim (the bad rater) breaks down and feels bad and changes the rating, that's further reinforcement that THEY didn't do anything wrong- the bad rater was a mean person for rating bad. Factually, the bad rating was a FAIR rating because the swap never arrived and the person never responded to messages, but public opinion is what dictates right/wrong. The wrongness isn't in the flaking, it's in whether they get punished for it. And the flaker feels like they do NOT deserve punishment. They have "Reasons!" (All of which are important and valid to them, with a lack of regard towards others.)

Being raised by a clinical narcissist (not the buzzword kind all over TikTok, the DSM kind) I've learned to make things as transparent as possible while attempting to protect certain information. It's a weird balance that's taken 20 years to kind-of figure out. The internet wasn't that big when I was a teen so there weren't hundreds of people better educated and more experienced than me to exchange tactics and psychology. Most of you, hopefully, will never ever need to be this level of on-guard! But I do have to say that it's taught me a LOT about "CYA policies," how law works, and how people generally behave (both positive and negative.) Most people are actually quite good, or they're trying to be much better people. Even people who have really bad habits (often) don't want to be harmful. Here's the problem: my name is not followed by PhD, LMHC, or MD. Chances are, yours isn't either. If it is, you probably are not some random person's therapist. 

On Swap-bot, we are here to trade letters and craft supplies. No one is here to be your doctor or mine. You cannot fix someone who twists stuff all around on you.

This is a guide to asking yourself how to handle a problem user: What to do if someone is rude to me on Swap-bot?

This is why I say to leave comments publicly on a profile. The catch is that the user can delete your comment on their profile. 

It's also why I save all messages until they are no longer relevant and keep open communication with Group Admins. Keep your messages and if problems arise, like someone demanding you change ratings or berating you in messages or forums, screencap it and e-mail it to yourself to keep the timestamps. 

If you are being harassed or threatened via Snail Mail, that is a federal crime. Even if you don't think that person is "actually serious" or capable of carrying out the threat, the reason that person feels so comfortable SENDING threats is because no one has sufficiently held them accountable.

"Keep any letter that attempts to scare, threaten or extort you in any way, and report it to the Postal Inspection Service by calling 1-877-876-2455. If you or anyone you know is being bullied, online or in person, tell a trusted friend or a loved one."

Public ratings are extremely important to keep everyone appraised of great swappers AND flakers/double profilers/unreliable swappers.

Sometimes, a late swap or a swap not showing is just a thing that happens with USPS. None of us control that. It sucks. But that's why it's so important to do some due diligence before assuming someone has flaked on you. Not everyone is signed up to get an e-mail if you send a message. 

But if you HAVE taken these steps and someone is MOST LIKELY a flaker, giving them a low rating is appropriate and important to protect the SB community. 

Don't worry about any backlash for doing what is correct and fair. Most users stick up for each other. We don't want to be the next person to fall for it.

You can also list that flaker here, and if you like, leave a short note about any retaliation you received.

Be an Active Group Member!

Quite a few of us are in groups or will be in groups. Groups are SB users who all have a common goal or theme, such as "Washi Tape Lovers" or CPG (cheap postage group). 

Image: Lovely Swappers-R-Us Group Page

 

On a group page, there is a title (Lovely Swappers-R-Us), a "theme" (what the group is about,) how old the group is, and in blue, the group forum.

In the body text, the group founders can put in whatever. LSRUS tells about the group in the first paragraph and specifies the group requirements. On the right side is an option to leave the group. I have the option to create swaps in LSRUS. Underneath is the list of Group Swaps, which can only be joined by group members.

Groups are a fun way to find swaps with like-minded people who often have specific ratings or requirements! I don't usually have to put any guidelines for ratings on those because the group rules weed out people to begin with.

Problem is... a LOT of people are NOT active group swap joiners! So there's big groups and few or no swaps ever happening, and if they are started, no one joins.

Part of this is limited ability to invite people to create swaps. It's a big responsibility because one poor host can ruin the reputation of the ENTIRE group. Ability to create swaps is often held tightly to a few original founding people for that reason. The other issue is a feature I didn't even realise existed for a few years! It's e-mail preferences for group swaps.

How to set up e-mail reminders on Group swaps:

Go to profile -> Update Profile -> Groups 

The groups you are part of should each be listed.

Click an option to receive an e-mail for each group. I only have e-mail notifications for group swaps being created. Other people have both options or neither option.

Unless the group admin sends out e-mails to remind people to check their group swaps, you won't see them in the general "Find Swaps" search! And many hosts, I have to tell you, have 'real life' stuff. This is not a job. It takes a lot of effort to host, much less to admin a group and remember to send out various reminders and resolve user disputes and all sorts of things.

Other ways to be an active group member:

Check out the Group Forums!

For the LSRUS example, the Group Forum link is right at the top under the Founded date. The group forum has all kinds of topics and people can start their own, too. The admin puts up a monthly sticky-post topic, meaning it stays at the top, for Wish Lists. There's no official swap set for these. If you have something that someone wants, you are free to send it or not. 

What is in YOUR groups' forums?

Go find out! But make sure to check back because there are no notifications for forum comments. 

Please help keep our groups active by joining a swap now and then. <3

E-mail Preferences, User Alerts, + What Doesn't Alert Us

There are optional e-mail alerts and there are things that don't alert hosts/users at all. It's important to know that some things are not always seen by a host and can't be replied to in-line or in a thread. You aren't being ignored!

Image: Swap-bot.com Email Preferences

Swap-Bot E-mail Preferences

Click "edit profile." Go to the "Preferences" section. It will say "Edit Your Preferences."

This is where you can select which e-mail alerts you receive. I already get a LOT of e-mail, which is overwhelming for me. I only selected to be notified when someone responds to my rating and when someone comments on my profile. Otherwise, I would never see either of those!

SB automatically e-mails me to say "It's time to start swappin'!" and to remind me when a swap I'd signed up for is approaching (even though that looks like an e-mail option that I don't have selected? idk.) 

But you'll see that e-mail options only cover FOUR categories. 

There is another that none of us get e-mails or in-SB alerts for:

Comments on swaps. 

Image: a screenshot of a comment on a swap.

lol check that out. that comment on the bottom of the swap, in the Swap Discussion section?

yeah.

NO ONE is ever gonna get an alert for that. Not the winners of this bonus envelope giveaway, not me (the host,) not anyone.

So if you leave a comment on a swap, there's not much chance someone will see it- or see it *in time* before the swap is assigned!

hahahahhaaaa

please just directly message the host.

one thing: 

If you see spam or bots posting a lot of weird messages, especially with links, or a normal-sounding username but with a comment that has nothing to do with the swap topic, MESSAGE THE HOST. We are the only ones who can delete these comments. And it's very important: the more spam is allowed, the more spam is 'ranked' as important and the more people are exposed to malicious spam and bots.

Help us keep swap-bot safe for everyone!

UPDATED 10/5/23 - Tracking + Insurance

TRACKING:

Sometimes post offices have a hard time sending mail accurately. This is more prevalent in smaller towns and more rural areas. They pick up mail more slowly, due to a variety of factors, and seem to lose it more often. This also seems to happen when delivering from large apartment complexes for some reason.

How do you tell the difference between someone who actually DID send their swap, but it never arrived (and they blame the post office) and someone who never sent anything at all, but then blamed the post office? You can't. 

Protect yourself if your PO has a history of losing or misdelivering mail.

First:

 

If you take your mail in person to a USPS location, stand in line, and drop it off with a person at the counter, you can request a receipt. If you just dump it in a drop-box, obviously you won't get one. You *can* do this online but I've found the printed labels to be way too large for a letter.

 

Image: a USPS receipt
dated 10/4/23 with
tracking and no
tracking on mail

USPS does not put tracking numbers on all mail. I have receipts with lists of outbound mail but after ~July, when rates when up and services changed, the only mail with tracking is specific types of ground packages, media mail, and Priority- which is the majority of what I send. Letters and postcards will not qualify for tracking unless you buy trackable options. 

 

The locations and full tracking numbers (which can reveal locations) are covered in blue. The first item has tracking + insurance included. The second does not.

 

A receipt will still show where your mail was sent, so you can't show that you sent it to someone's specific address, but it WILL show the city/state it was mailed to and the estimated delivery date. The second item demonstrates this.

Be aware that a RECEIPT may not mean there is any recourse if a letter goes missing. Realistically, there are millions of pieces of mail in the system at any given time. They can see where it was last scanned and ask local staff to look for it, but... odds are Not Good. Receipts just show that you really did mail it. If you want some kind of recourse, ask your post office what options are right for your package. Anything with insurance is great protection! But please look up what kind of proof you need to make an insurance claim in advance.

If you have a tracking number, use the Tracking service. Here is a FAQ on what statuses mean.

Second:

If you have this problem, even just once or twice, you need to be proactive. File a complaint in person with the local post office. Let them know that this is happening. It's probably rare but sometimes carriers just don't do their jobs or for some weird reason steal mail. idk. Just in case something is going wrong, take it up with the local office.

If it's more than just once, especially if there isn't a legitimate problem like idk, the freaking hurricane in Cape Coral (FL) this year, you need to file complaints with USPS via Contact Us. There is a phone number, e-mail, mail tracking if you have a number, and other options.

INSURANCE:

If you want to ensure there is some kind of insurance to be paid back, read the USPS insurance rules about claiming and evidence of costs. Insurance can be purchased on anything, usually starting at a few dollars. Priority Mail items automatically have insurance on them.

Sometimes the cost of mailing items + insurance is the same or nearly the same as Priority, so I usually just upgrade to that. Standard Mail might take longer than 10 business days, but Priority usually takes 2-3 business days. If the price is very close, my preference is to just upgrade. This can be done most easily in-person, where the computer will bring up all options in one go, vs. using the computer and hoping it's the right dimensions or classification or whatever. 

INFORMED DELIVERY:

USPS has a free service you can sign up for. They send daily scans of your mail that is supposed to arrive that day or quite soon. It's called Informed Delivery.

https://www.usps.com/manage/informed-delivery.htm

You can find out what mail to expect a day or two before it's in your mailbox.

This has come in handy once or twice when my ID e-mail says a card or letter is coming but then it doesn't show up in 48 hours. Sometimes, the scanned side of a postcard will show what's written on it, and I can rate the swapper on it same-day. 

 

COMMUNICATE! 

It is best practice to take a photo of the receipt same-day and message your partner with the tracking info if you have it. Even if you don't, photograph the receipt showing the delivery city. Photographs can only be sent through e-mail. For a number, you can use SB messenger, subject "SwapName Tracking Info." 

Ask your partner about missing items before rating. Ratings can be adjusted/updated.

Read this post about not receiving swaps.

UPDATED 10/5/23 - Late Swaps, No Arrivals, Tracking + Receiving

Receiving mail + CYA Sending

First, sign up for USPS Informed Delivery. This sends a daily email to show you which mail has been scanned in for your address. This mail should be arriving same day or within a day or two. It is FREE.

UPDATED SECTION - USPS does not offer tracking for letters or postcards, only for what they consider First Class Packages via Ground Advantage. Anything small that doesn't qualify as a "letter" basically, Priority Mail, and some international mail. You can BUY tracking on almost any mail.

For showing that you mailed an item, get a receipt. If you are worried about time or labour costs, you can always buy tracking + insurance. This is especially important for anything handmade, 2oz or more, or anything intensive or worth more than a few dollars to reproduce. Read up on the rules for making an insurance claim to ensure you can file.

You need to go in person to a post office for a receipt.

Take your mail in person to a USPS location, stand in line, and drop it off with a person at the counter. You can request a receipt. SOME ITEMS come with tracking IF they meet qualifications. If you just dump it in a drop-box, obviously you won't get one. Tracking can show that you mailed a thing. It does NOT ensure that it arrives. You do NOT have recourse if it arrives damaged or not at all. It just shows that the item was mailed and you didn't flake on anyone.

This is a copy of my receipt from yesterday. The locations and full tracking numbers (which can reveal locations) are covered in blue. The first item has tracking + insurance included. The second does not.

This is the FAQ from USPS on Tracking.

Take a photo of the receipt, even if it doesn't have tracking on it. 

At least it shows that you mailed SOMETHING to that city. That way if the receipt accidentally gets heated (and carbonizes, when receipts turn black) or if it gets damaged, you know the numbers. Message the partner the proof, preferably same-day when it's fresh in your mind.

If it's a valuable item and you feel it's worth it, get insurance.

The USPS site is hardly comprehensive, I think. It takes a lot of digging to figure out how things work for normal people who don't already know the system internally. Oy. If you need answers, write down your questions as you think of them and take notes.

Late swap? No arrival? A few things could be happening.

• Check deadline date to send. For many USA items, 2 weeks is around the current USPS estimate for arrival. Be aware of weather that could delay things (like hurricanes, blizzards, extreme heat.) Somehow stuff from one county to the next is being shipped all over the USA. ::rolls eyes:: Yeah, idk why either. But first I give the benefit of the doubt.

• If it's been 2 weeks, send the partner a message. Keep it simple. "Hey, I'm your partner is Swap Name. I haven't gotten the envelope yet." Set a reasonable deadline to receive it. I've sent these messages and gotten the swap 4 days later- a day after the partner resent it. x.x But if a swap DOESN'T come by the date? The person can re-send it. Yep, even if it's me. :P

  Example:

  "Hi! I am your partner for Forgot to Swap 2, Let's Don't Stop Remembering! The deadline was Jan. 1st. Today is Jan. 31st and the swap hasn't arrived. Are you able to re-send it? Thank you!"

  (the partner responds within 2-3 days, Feb. 3rd. they will re-send. they did not specify a date.)

  "Thanks! Please re-send by Feb. 6th so I can rate."

  Do not rapid/repeat message someone. It puts people off and makes them avoidant and unwilling to answer you.
  

• SB typically sends an email for messages unless the user turned that off. If there is no answer to the message within 3 business days, rate that person accordingly and mention that your message was not responded to. It shows that you did attempt to reach out first. RATINGS CAN BE AMENDED LATER. Do not feel guilty about this. You can comment on that person's profile without rating but I don't think many hosts check *comments,* just ratings. 

  It is important to rate fairly even if the person generally has good ratings. If YOU didn't get your item and have tried communicating, and failed, I bet other people are also not receiving things... and that user maintains their good rating because no one wants to ruin their good score. See the problem?