Flakers + Ratings

"Flakers" are people who sign up for a swap and don't send their end of the bargain. 

Often, these people don't reply to messages. IF you leave a poor rating, they MIGHT respond to it- but only because of public image. They rely on others agreeing that it was Just a Mistake!1! and to feel bad for the flaker when the Mean, Bad Swapper left a Negative Rating for them. ... oy. 

Have you ever seen that tactic? It has a name.

Image: DARVO statement examples
from Ray Family Therapy

That example is a form of DARVO, and it's super-common.

“DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims.” - Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder of Bay Area CBT Center and CBTonline.

Most people think of DARVO in context of abusive domestic relationships. Thing is, this social tactic is only practiced IN those relationships because the perpetrator has gotten comfortable using it with everything else. Often, the perpetrator isn't even aware that this is a form of abuse... It's probably even normal for them to experience from someone else! But 'normal' is not the same as 'healthy.' DARVO is normal, and normalized. And when it's small, like a stupid envelope of paper, it doesn't really matter right?

But it does. It does when you are the one leaving the honest negative rating for a swap that factually never arrived, on a swapper that you factually DID message, and factually never got back a response. It does when you're essentially getting bullied or silenced because you don't want to look like the Bad Guy when in actuality, they're the Bad Guy. Backing down lets bad people escape consequences.

Most people do the things they do, both positive and negative, because it has worked in their favour before. Whatever their personal values equate as "favourable" to themselves, a thing that works should keep working. Behaviour isn't random, even if it LOOKS like it on the outside. Learning this will help you with every single person you ever meet- it isn't just for a stupid mail site!

DARVO tactics are a demonstrable public ability to twist things around on strangers, to the approval of other strangers. And if those strangers "approve," it's not REALLY a Bad Thing, is it? And if the victim (the bad rater) breaks down and feels bad and changes the rating, that's further reinforcement that THEY didn't do anything wrong- the bad rater was a mean person for rating bad. Factually, the bad rating was a FAIR rating because the swap never arrived and the person never responded to messages, but public opinion is what dictates right/wrong. The wrongness isn't in the flaking, it's in whether they get punished for it. And the flaker feels like they do NOT deserve punishment. They have "Reasons!" (All of which are important and valid to them, with a lack of regard towards others.)

Being raised by a clinical narcissist (not the buzzword kind all over TikTok, the DSM kind) I've learned to make things as transparent as possible while attempting to protect certain information. It's a weird balance that's taken 20 years to kind-of figure out. The internet wasn't that big when I was a teen so there weren't hundreds of people better educated and more experienced than me to exchange tactics and psychology. Most of you, hopefully, will never ever need to be this level of on-guard! But I do have to say that it's taught me a LOT about "CYA policies," how law works, and how people generally behave (both positive and negative.) Most people are actually quite good, or they're trying to be much better people. Even people who have really bad habits (often) don't want to be harmful. Here's the problem: my name is not followed by PhD, LMHC, or MD. Chances are, yours isn't either. If it is, you probably are not some random person's therapist. 

On Swap-bot, we are here to trade letters and craft supplies. No one is here to be your doctor or mine. You cannot fix someone who twists stuff all around on you.

This is a guide to asking yourself how to handle a problem user: What to do if someone is rude to me on Swap-bot?

This is why I say to leave comments publicly on a profile. The catch is that the user can delete your comment on their profile. 

It's also why I save all messages until they are no longer relevant and keep open communication with Group Admins. Keep your messages and if problems arise, like someone demanding you change ratings or berating you in messages or forums, screencap it and e-mail it to yourself to keep the timestamps. 

If you are being harassed or threatened via Snail Mail, that is a federal crime. Even if you don't think that person is "actually serious" or capable of carrying out the threat, the reason that person feels so comfortable SENDING threats is because no one has sufficiently held them accountable.

"Keep any letter that attempts to scare, threaten or extort you in any way, and report it to the Postal Inspection Service by calling 1-877-876-2455. If you or anyone you know is being bullied, online or in person, tell a trusted friend or a loved one."

Public ratings are extremely important to keep everyone appraised of great swappers AND flakers/double profilers/unreliable swappers.

Sometimes, a late swap or a swap not showing is just a thing that happens with USPS. None of us control that. It sucks. But that's why it's so important to do some due diligence before assuming someone has flaked on you. Not everyone is signed up to get an e-mail if you send a message. 

But if you HAVE taken these steps and someone is MOST LIKELY a flaker, giving them a low rating is appropriate and important to protect the SB community. 

Don't worry about any backlash for doing what is correct and fair. Most users stick up for each other. We don't want to be the next person to fall for it.

You can also list that flaker here, and if you like, leave a short note about any retaliation you received.